I need confidence and the security that comes with it.

The loudest sound, is that voice in my head.
The only sound, is the noise that i make.






2005 maybe.
 

I'm such a knob.

This evening while walking from my door to the carpark, i sent to my mom a message i was supposed to send to Elias.
It goes like this:




"stupid mom is venting her grumpiness on me again. she came out without closing the wooden door and dared to stare back at me. what an idiot."




I was mad at that time because she would kill me if i did the same plus she gave me this one bitchy look when i stepped out of my room for no apparent reason. If you don't already know, my mom and i are poles apart. My sister says we're too alike and that's why we're always misunderstanding each other. I beg to differ. Nobody wants to grow up to be just like their moms, well, nobody normal that is. If my mom were Heidi Klum....whole other story.

BUT WHY?! WHY ON EARTH DID I MAKE SUCH A STUPID MISTAKE.
The best part was that i didn't even realize it till 5 minutes later? And i swear my body went into this immediate flush of heat it was crazy. The woman came into the car slamming her wristlet onto the dashboard.
I'm in such deep shit.
The woman isn't talking to me, and she's even ignoring topics about me that my other clueless family members bring about.
GOD. I guess there goes the allowance and of course my plans to celebrate Elias' and my 15th this week.Will be needing a job.
I mean, i'm already half immuned to her lectures/scoldings/thousand hour knock-some-sense-into-me-talks and what have you.
This could be my biggest mistake growing up, insulting my mother to her face. I'm screwed big ass time. Dug my own fucking grave.
Neither of us has admitted to the other about knowing it though.I'm acting like i don't know and she's just acting like she's mad at me.

I was sleeping an hour ago but i started thinking about it after Elias called me.
I
AM
SO
DEAD.
 

 

It's when distance becomes non-existent, that some days are extra special.

 It's been two weeks now that school has started, a exhausting two weeks. Not to mention how ghastly the weather has been as of late. Shuffling in between the air-conditioned class and the canteen and class again and out of it again, the frequent change in temperature has worked less than wonders on my terribly sensitive nose. Oh right, and then there was the lack of sleep.

Weekends are just to-die-for. Sleeping in those extra few hours make a whole load of difference. It's weird that i'm entitled to three days of that few hours of extra sleep this semester and i can't last the other four days of the week without feeling like death every morning. It's just painful to have to wake up when i'm half doing my work in the dead hours of night and half suffering from insomnia. I can't explain it's torturous effect, but i'm sure many aren't strangers to it. Funny how our generation has a problem with sleep related/mental illnesses. I need to be in town by 4.

it's 2:35 and i'm sitting on my bed, typing away on this dirty little black mac, un-showered and realising that i've yet to contact the boyfriend who has not been answering his phone(as usual). And you would think that i the girlfriend can always get through to the boyfriend. It seems that many a times i find myself asking Dylan/ Yvonne to help me call Elias' house. Becauseeeee his parents don't know about us but his father & brother already recognises my voice because of all those morning calls i make in desperate attempt to wake him up for school when he doesn't pick up his handphone.

Oh well, i can't forsee if it would benefact us or not if they actually knew, but when the boy's not ready, he's just not ready i guess. Sometimes i think i really need to better myself, maybe then it might be...easier. Being unacknowledge sucks at times when i think his mom really hates seeing me in her house. He says she does smile at me but i'm always not looking. I don't know. He says it's just that i'm always over on days when she's had a bad one or when she's too tired. I don't know. I feel stupid for wearing skirts over. Twice she stared at my skirt, which was obviously too short for a mother's liking, when i was saying bye to her. AHHHH~ STUPID STUPID ME.

I told Elias that the next time i'm heading over, i'm going to be in the most covered thing ever. Middle-eastern style! I asked him once if we ever got married, if his mom would make me wear a tudong and the traditional malay costume everytime i saw her and he assured me that it wouldn't happen. Well, that's what i hope for of course. I really thank God he wasn't born Muslim and that his IC says CHINESE. It would be so tough on everything.

Yi Qin and Fir's relationship is the best example of how tough it would be. Her parents brought hell to earth when they found out. Forbidding them to be together even when he called her mom personally to tell her how much he loved her. Sweetest thing eh? But her mom laughed. Then there's herself, not sure of anything because he is quite into his religion. Imagine that. My traditional chinese family and their mindsets would flip off the face of this earth, make a bounce on the sun and come back down on me in flames.

On my side, mommy's been okay with me telling her that he's coming over when he's just outside and has bought him food a couple of times. It's all good in my hood. Now there's just the rest of the family that knows nothing. Wish he could come over for dinner some times. Popo's food is amazing, on most days that is.Sometimes it's just about the onion omelettes and bittergourd and eggplant and brrrrrr~.
 

Things i bought the past week:



selling for $10 (exclusive of mail)
non neg in baby blue




this is coming, hoping it won't be another thing i'll regret buying.





Trigger Finger for Elias, which i haven't really paid for. But have given the boy cause he wanted it bad and probably already knew about my supposed surprise.  Oh well, it's really going to help out his Izaak thingy, so it's a pat on my back, not until i've paid off the debt that is.






Paid for like 3 days ago, but the girl hasn't seem to have ordered it...WHY DID I JOIN HER AGAIN!?! super draggiest spreer ever. But Elias paid for it because it wanted to get me a part 1 18th birthday pressie after getting the trigger finger. (: Silly billy




-----------------------------------------------------------------------
CHING CHING CHING $280 last week. ARGH.






Intending to get:


these babies.








and am hoping to own a couple of these babies in the near future. Probably where my pay-cheque is going, when it actually comes. Now ehere exact is this money i'm not seeing?!

I've nothing to wear anymore. Sigh.

AA Print Cotton Spandex Jersey
High-Waisted Skirt, L in Navy/Cream - $55

brand new without tags.

14" unstretched
23" down

retails for 34USD
non-nego

Cotton/Spandex Jersey (95% Cotton / 5% Elastane) construction

OLD NAVY SANDALS IN ASH GREY, $29
(USD 12.99 + SGD 10 shipping)
tagged 7
will fit local 37 snugly.
Brand new in bag.
worn only to try.
non-nego














Dress Tagged S
Fits Topshop/UK 6 - 10
Brand New with Tags
$20
pit to pit: 12 inches unstretched, 17 stretched
length:30.5 inches
Colour is true to pictures,
Material is a comfy cotton, not sheer at all
comes with shelf bra

description and picture credits to </a></b></a>dancingupastorm

There wasn't sleep.
There was a huge rush to school.
There was the meeting.
There wasn't hope.



What am i suppose to do? I have no reason to be in school, no cause.
For myself? Geez, i don't even know what i want to do.
And I can't get the closest thing to what i think i can do.
They told me to trust in Him.
They said that He will always have a plan for me, that it'll always work out.
I did trust in Him, for a while i was even, complacent...
Now i don't know.

Friday,
Friday,
Friday.
 

love the effort,
love the cute background music.

 

Sorry if you don't want this on your friend's page, i can't LJcut at all!!!!!




So yesterday, after finding out that i was probably the only one who didn't get into broadcast class despite wanting it so badly, I went out to get a wallet.



It's pink and shiny :D






Then, this afternoon, when i got up, i realised what had happened yesterday all over again, and felt just as bad. I went to get everything i wanted at MosBurger with Julia, then a couple of sushi's, then a bottle of hair foam.





Together with my 3 yr old curling iron






and some tips from pursebuzz, i learnt to:






and am slightly happier.

Not exactly a person with much of a life, sitting at home, watching some youtube channels, doing up my hair then taking pictures because my awesome memory works in such a wonderful way that i don't ever recall things in the proper steps.


You might have noticed, i'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor, that doesn't even have a cover. I would like to clarify that it does have a cover which i conveniently kick away in my sleep so much so that i can't be bothered to put it back on properly. Why in the freaking world am i on the floor is another story together. If you have time, read on. It's because i dragged the mattress down a couple of days ago for some reason, and haven't gotten around to having put it back. The mess around the room is unexplainable. I'm a messy person, with a very compulsive habit of maintaining a neat appearance - no creases, no hanging threads, no frays, if i can help it that is.


I wonder what tomorrow will bring, another disappointment? A directed runway towards depression?


Till another day then, i shall carrying on amusing myself with silly little girly things. How gross.
 

Praying that we'll be in the same class, with my fingers crossed at that.



Yvonne, Elias was suppose to sms you while on the phone with me but he forgot, and i thought he did, please scold him.

This my week all planned out




Monday:                                                                                                       Elias' stayover (success)

Tuesday:        Gelare with the boys (success, except that they were almost an hour late altogether)

Wednesday:                                                           Meeting with the polymates (hopefully a success)

Thursday:                              Meet an ex-colleague, get my wallet for 40% off (hopefully a success)

Friday:                                           Elias goes to work, i've got nothing (can't imagine anything else)

Saturday:                                                          Stay home? family? idk (only one day unspoken for)

Sunday:                       Last day of holidays, 14/15th anniversary, grandma's (pleaseeeee succeed)

It's only Tuesday and i'm slightly feeling it - head pounding, wobbly knees kind of it. Today was boisterous as usual, especially when Fatty fell on his ass and hurt his ankle. The many Sherlocks figured that it was a curse seeing how the only three boys in Havianas(sorry if i spelt it wrong), polos and berms got their ankles busted. And yet, there's this void at the end of the night. I'm always really cracky when i'm tired, so susceptible to emotional attacks. I mean, I just had to wait for the last week to start planning meetings. With the list, you think i've got it all covered. HELL NO. I've got a meeting with Geraldine to pass her a wallet and another with a seller whom i don't think i can squeeze in anytime this week. With the daytime to 12pm activities all planned out, i've still got plentiful to fill up the hours of darkness. Gossip girl and some reading(omg,really?) is on the agenda for tonight.

 

So weary, so buoyant.
The day didn't turn out too bad.
 

I've been waiting and waiting for the above items longer than i would have anticipated. Two of which Mariam has to collect on my behalf, thank you. The other three along with a friend's wallet has been taking forever because a certain spreer is incapable of efficiency, if you ask me. She took forever to update the participants about anything that was happening, and this was obviously evident when the date it arrived to vpost and the date that the package arrived in Singapore were a mere 2 days apart or so with similar events. Moral of the story, not spreeing with this person ever again. Utterly dissatisfied and getting impatient. In other shopping related news, I HAVEN'T BOUGHT A THING IN TWO WEEKS. God knows i have nothing to wear anymore. Next week's allowance will be spent on a wallet, Liz Claiborne, if i go back and think i still like it. Don't know what brand it is but the boutique looks really nice. Awaiting my pay which supposedly will arrive in a week. My pre expenditure is relying on that. If not, it's hello to debt again. Not that i've gotten out of the last - my moms birthday dinner split with my sister. It's a larger debt this time around, getting me rather jittery. Ahhhhh, hopefully i will get through this smoothly.
 

 


if i didn't care so much about what others would think of me,
i would've done it in a heartbeat.
Anyways, I don't excel in anything, neither do i bring joy to the people around me.
I was a mistake to begin with.

While i'm not at work looking like the fucking big bird, i'm at home sleeping. These 9 days haven''t been breezing by at all.
They're slowly and painstakingly crawling, upwards into the arse. I've got 4 left, which is going to feel like an entire week, btw. There's always the looking forward to meeting Elias at the end of the day which has only actually happened once. If nothing crops up i'm sure he'll be there for the next 4. yay.

My head is about the split into half and tomorrow is going to be the repetition of today. Having nothing to do but stand for hours has been the more stressful thing i've occured this holiday. It's making me eat.lunch, dinner, snacks, supper..GOD HELP ME.


Mom drove me to work today and we ended up in a jam. I was late. MAJOR FUCK.
To add on, the constant dwelling in air conditioned area is causing my skin to crack.

That aside, i'm hope you're doing okay. That you're not spreading your legs for anyone you meet. Random nights, when you get drunk, that you don't wake up at a stranger's place. But if you think that's cool...It's just, you're not the you i know anymore.

I was told today, that normally, boys do not like bangs on girls, right after i announced that i was going to get them tomorrow.








That aside, someone who loves me very much, took one strap form my skirt, tied it around his forehead and helped me clean up my whole room while i was half asleep, half deciding what could be thrown.






This person called himself the CLEAN-UP WARRIOR.
 

Isn't he the cutest thing? I was showed this photo last night and couldn't stop smiling. Such a big head on such a little thing. Just like a certain doll whose name i can never recall without aid. Anyways, the cutest thing just fled from my place cause the mother's on her way. Already i need to tell him something and his handphone can't seem to get any reception anywhere again. Oh well...



I JUST WANTED TO ASK IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO GET SOME COOKIES FROM THE GUIDES.



But i ordered a can of mint choc ones already. (: